The great explorers sat at the round table together discussing who the greatest person was in the year of our lord 2010 up in the great galleon in the sky.
“I’m the most fit!” said Amerigo Vespuccci to his Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese counterparts.
“I have the hottest wife!” Magellan stated loudly, banging on the table.
“Those things don’t matter. We need to be discussing who the greatest explorer of us all is.” Columbus stated, he continued, “of course it is me! After all I discovered America”
Vasco de Gana laughed, “HA! You thought you did! You were beaten by 300 years but a barbarian in a longship, besides wasn’t it you that spent your entire life insisting you’d landed in India?”
Amerigo interrupted, “Besides you may have landed there, but it was named after me! The true greatest explorer in the world”
Magellan bellowed back, “You’re both wrong. I am greatest of all. My ship circumnavigated the globe! For those of you imbeciles here…” he muttered under his breath, “all of you…” returning to his normal tone, “that means I went all the way around the world!”
Christopher Columbus then said, “Why don’t we all give our life stories and see who is respected the most?”
Nods of agreement between the men showed his idea was a good one.
“I will start!” Said Bartolomeu Dias.
“I sailed far along the west Coast of Africa and discovered the Cape of Good Hope and what is now South Africa,” stated Bartolomeu.
“Oh South Africa, that country was doing great a few years ago, they imprisoned an innocent man and killed hundreds of innocent people,” yelled Columbus.
“Oh like you didn’t kill all the Indians you met in the Americas Columbus!” Retorted Bartolomeu.
“That is the price of war!” Columbus lashed. “They attacked us! Besides they were savages”
“My turn,” said Vasco de Gama, ignoring both of the others “I went all the way to India… and back”
“You’re even worse than Columbus!” Screamed Bartolomeu, “You BURNED 400 innocent people, including babies and 50 women!”
“They were rivals!” Vasco fought back.
“They were just pilgrims!” Columbus back lashed.
“But I am better then all of you, I discovered Brazil, and then went as far as you did, Vasco” Pedro Alvares Cabral said smugly.
“Yes and while you were in India you killed 600 Muslim people and bombarded the city of Calicut for an entire day” Amerigo spat.
“That attack was not uncalled for! The Muslims attacked us first, we were just attacking, we have to make our might known.”
“Shut up all of you, I am Christopher Columbus, and I am by far the greatest of all!” Said the Italian as he stood up proudly in his seat and raised his chin
“Yeah yeah… you discovered India… no wait America? Doesn’t matter you didn’t discover it at all that Viking guy did, Leif Erickson,” Amerigo said as he slammed on the table. “You did nothing worth anything, and you died insane”
Columbus sat down, defeated.
Amerigo Vespucci stood up and gave his reasons, “You Columbus might have discovered America-“
“-Not true, Leif Erikson did! You said so yourself” Magellan pointed out blissfully as he stared out of the room.
“I am trying to make a point!” Amerigo said through gritted teeth.
“oh…” Magellan seemed to shrink to the size of a mouse.
Amerigo continued, “You might have been the first European in America for hundreds of years, but you thought it was India, my great mind and navigational skills proved it to be a new continent”
“I was the first to reach Panama and pass through to the Pacific Ocean from the New World” chimed in Vasco Nunez after a long silence.
“Yes you were but I was the first to go around the globe, as I said before!” Magellan yelled across the table.
“Okay, we have all given our reasons now we must vote! I vote for the dreadfully handsome Bartolomeu Dias” said Bartolomeu himself.
“I vote for the far more handsome Vasco de Gama!” Vasco de Gama said.
“I vote for Pedro!” Said Pedro Alvarez Cabral.
“This is no time for the latest movie quotes Pedro! I vote for the greatest explorer of them all, Christopher Columbus” Bellowed Columbus.
“I cast my vote for myself” Said Vasco Nunez de Balboa.
“And I do the same” said Magellan. “I assume you are voting for yourself Amerigo?”
“No that would get us nowhere… I vote for the greatest explorer of them all….”
There was a moment of prolonged silence as they waited
“WELL!?” Columbus yelled in impatience.
Amerigo kicked his feet up on the round table and looked uninterested and said, “I vote for Leif Erickson”
There were cries of outrage from the other explorers but they were short lived as a giant battleaxe came crashing through the large wooden door. A large Viking with a beard larger then Columbus’s head barged in loudly and swung his axe into the table.
“I vote for myself also, and claim my title as the greatest explorer of all time”
The looks around the room ranged from to disbelief to pure rage as the Viking made himself home in the small room.
“I just dropped by from the hall of the greatest warriors; none of you have a problem with that do you?” Leif Erickson said as he swung his axe over his head and back on his back.
No one said a word as the Viking stood smiling, winking to Vespucci.
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